Eurovision Dance Contest: the big night is here

All sixteen pairs have been chosen - get right on it

Place your bets here

When the ancient Greeks decided to call their neighbours barbarians, because their silly languages sounded just like the baa-ing of sheep, they pretty much set the tone for European attitudes towards foreign speakers for centuries to come. Although certain eager nations believe their children are best off having their little heads crammed with a new language each year, the suspicion still lingers that speaking in foreign is at best hoity-toity and at worst evidence of terrorist intent. So thank heavens the Eurovision Dance Contest is here, with its universal language of movement (and this is proper Latin-style ballroom swishiness – not pervy morris dancing or scary skinhead women interpreting “Birth” in footless tights.) At last issues of national pride can be settled with the sequin, not the sword. Back off, Russia! Everybody dance now! Clap! Clap! Clap!

As this is the first (of hopefully many) Eurovision Dance Contests, there is no previous form to guide us. So punt away - anything could happen.

The favourites

United Kingdom (Brendan Cole and Camilla Dallerup)
The UK couple have the home advantage – or so you would think. As it happens, dancing for Britain are New Zealander Brendon Cole, and Camilla Dallerup from Denmark. Brendon is better known as the fox-trotting version of Dean Gaffney, having enjoyed a stint dribbling around girls on ITV1’s Love Island. He had little success. While these former lovers haven’t danced together for three years, back in the day they were brilliant – winning the British Open Championship, and both featuring pretty heavily on Strictly Come Dancing.

Austria (Andy and Kelly Kainz)
As their surname suggests, these two are married, so look for the knowing expressions during the steamier numbers. Kelly is used to the big stage, having reached the Latin Dance finals in 1992 in Blackpool, the Wembley of the dance world. And Andy’s no slouch either, winning the Austrian Latin Championship in 1994. A couple since 1995 and married since 2001, so barring an angry domestic, they might just pull something astounding out of the bag. On the downside, Hitler was Austrian.

Lithuania (UNDECIDED)
They’re touted as one of the favourites, and yet Lithuania have yet to select their competing pair. Might it be this sensual couple? They’ve certainly got what it takes. Whatever that means.

Spain (Abraham Martinez and Amagoya Benlloch)
The Spanish pair was chosen by their people on the hit show Mira quien baila a Eurovision (Look who’s dancing to Eurovision). The male of the two considers himself a ballroom specialist, so much so that when he’s not making beautiful shapes on the floor, he can be found painstakingly designing gorgeous frocks for other ballroom dancers to slip into. Born to dance.

The Netherlands (Redmond Valk and Alexandra Matteman)
Seems Redmond is quite the perfectionist, ploughing through dance partners until he came across Alexandra. He claims he was desperately searching for a fellow dancer with his same single-minded passion for winning (read: highly-strung obsessive character that makes them unbearable to be around) and Alexandra – twice the Dutch Latin Champion – was just the ticket. Plus it wasn’t long before things spilled over into the bedroom. Redmond, pass the maracas – you are too sexy!

Ones to Watch

Sweden (Martin Lidberg and Cecilia Ehrling)
Like their rivals from Holland, the Swedish pair’s dancing led to the bedroom – and cohabitation! Martin is a beast of a man, once a World and European wrestling champ, while Cecilia is a dainty little thing, who simply adores letting herself go. Their near-bestial lust and intensity could thrill the voting nations – especially those unused to such open displays of affection (Poland).

Russia (Vladislav Borodinov and Maria Sittel)
Maria is the Russian version of Moira Stewart - the stern face of hard news. She softened her spiky demeanor by entering the national version of Strictly Come Dancing, and now she’s some big smiley mini-celeb. Expect the hosts to say “From Russia With Love” over and over again, until the urge to brick up the screen becomes overwhelming.

The Also-rans

Greece (Spyros Pavlides and Rania Koliou)
Spyros was spawned by a set of dancers, so it’s in his blood, whereas Rania used to play professional volleyball. Sexy – like circus!

Ukraine (Ilyia Sydorenko and Julia Okropiridze)
When she’s not dancing competitively, Julia likes to unwind in one of the Ukraine’s many Latin discos. Perhaps some serious clubbing with the likes of Nigel Reo-Coker and thirty-grand-a-week Anton Ferdinand will ease the humiliation of defeat.

Denmark (UNDECIDED)
The Danes are still thinking about it.

Switzerland (Sven Ninnemann and Denise Biellmann)
Sven got lucky here. He’s a former German Junior Ballroom Champion, but his partner was voted Switzerland’s Sportswoman of the Century – the century! - in 1995. A legendary figure skater, the odds say she won’t enjoy the same success on a less slippery surface.

Ireland (Mick Donegan and Nicola Byrne)
Both of these Irish dancers have starred in Riverdance – Mick taking the lead at just sixteen. Problem is, while Brits and Americans moisten at the thought of an Irish jig, the rest of Europe just can’t see the point. Meaty part of the curve at best.

Poland (Marcin Hakiel and Katarzyna Cichopek)
Katarzyna is already a star in Poland, starring in the hit TV drama L is for Love and presenting popular music show Top Trendy Festival (note to Poland: poor word combination). Hence she may get a few votes from neighboring fans. Unlikely though. Marcin’s dancing hero is Swayze, Patrick.

Finland (UNDECIDED)
The Finns are copying the Danes – not telling.

Germany (Oliver Seefeldt and Wolke Hegenbarth)
This is one game the Germans definitely won’t win, and looking disturbingly like Joss Stone dancing with rat-faced Robert “Begbie” Carlisle won’t help their cause.

Portugal (Ricardo Silva and Sonia Araujo)
Luckily for the Portuguese pair they both have something to fall back on after the inevitable crushing defeat – she has a handy law degree, he owns a lovely dance school.