X factor: Asbestos Andy gone, seven contenders left

People of Newport, listen closely through the evening fug and you’ll hear gentle howling coming from a nearby factory. Don’t worry, nothing's wrong, it’s just asbestos Andy clocking in for another long depressing week of his awful pre-X Factor life. Fast forward twenty years, and he’ll be the bloated alcoholic weeping down a karaoke mic, doing Snow Patrol. Meanwhile, one of these guys will be knee-deep in luxury cocaine and group sex. But who?

Rhydian
Having been morphed together in a creepy Welsh lab, Rhyds is one-part Chico, two-parts G4, and a massive splosh of Michael Ball. He insists you should take him seriously, and should he sing Smile (Chaplin) or Over the Rainbow (Garland) – proven winning songs – victory is his.

Niki
Still in contention. With much of the viewership made up of angry put upon mums, she’s represents a ballsy Shirley Valentine who has thrown her apron into a furnace and slipped into something a little more suggestive and empowering. After the shocking trombone-betwixt-legs debacle from the other week, she’s back on track with big ballads. Like Rydian, if she gets Over The Rainbow – Cowell’s favourite song – she could yet win.

Hope
Voting girls will find Hope vile – far too pretty, they resemble the kind of pristine slappers that pounce married men (or Simon Cowell) in expensive hotel bars. Average members of the public won't approve. Gaffney, of course, will be voting on redial, however.

Leon
His extra confidence could actually count against him, should the once delicate, sobbing Scot morph into an obnoxious could-be-winner (Ben, third, last year). Rumours that he’s been bulldozing one of the Hope girls won’t help either.

Same Difference
No chance of winning, but their bubbly weirdness could appeal to doddery nanas who spent Saturday night explaining loudly to an automated phone message that they want “the poof and the princess to win the television programme".

Beverley
Nothing Beverley does will set her aside from Brenda/Rowetta (both came fourth) and her inability to out-sing Niki is a huge stumbling block. The eventual winner has never featured in the bottom two in previous shows, and now she has. Not long left.

Alisha
Far too grumpy to win over any new fans, she's still moping, and word has it that when she's not singing, she just cries her little eyes out. Hence, unlikely to hijack a new fanbase in the wake of Andy going ‘rock’ and Emily turning out to be a streetwise young thug. Bottom two next week?

No point betting on Rhydian at those odds but if we have whet your appetite for anyone else, PaddyPower are giving a Free £10 bet to popbettors here