The APPRENTICE: Meet the idiots

The best programme about getting a job with Sir Alan Sugar is BACK!

Show one, and already Sir Alan's trusted sidekicks (Nick Hewer, Margaret Mountford) look absolutely disgusted by the dregs that oozed into his wonderful penthouse boardroom. The posh one got fired, his big mistake was insisting that he felt ganged up on because he loves "the arts". Doesn't he realise that Sir Alan hates the arts? Schoolboy error, kid.

Great television, here's a run down of the contestants:

The Idiots

Raef Bjayou
A great first show for Raef, as he used his utterly pointless wordplay to emphasise that he is, indeed, a total idiot. That said, so were Tre (series three) Syed (series two), and Paul (series one) - the programme needs these fools. Won’t win, will do well. His hobbies include: lawn tennis.

Shazia Wahab
Brazen Shazia made a gentle conversation with a local fishmonger look like a stand up row. This doesn’t bode well. “Strong” works for Sugar, but “aggressive” doesn’t (Badger, Saira Khan, Kristina Grimes - all aggressive saleswomen who didn't win).

The Desperados

Simon Smith
35-year-old Simon might be a little too elderly for Alan’s tastes (the three winners so far have all been 26 or 27), and his wide-eyed eagerness to please saw him spend the morning with “total strangers”, and the evening with “friends”. This suggests that here is a man not cut out for business. Or life.

Helene Speight
Helene comes from the school of “business speak”, which means that she will spend a couple of weeks talking about "projected figures" and "guestimates", before everyone realises that she is just saying words randomly. Then she will leave.

The Pussycats

Ian Stringer
Ian said virtually nothing in show one, his only real highlight was him being so utterly disgusted by the word “loser” that he couldn’t even bring himself to say it. A hunch says that he'll be tearfully repeating it into a mirror before the year is out.

Lucinda Ledgerwood
Lucinda was the woman shown weeping in a Renault Espace in the preview for next week’s show, which suggests that she might be lacking the necessary grit to make it in business. The programme has yet to be won by anyone who has wept.

Kevin Shaw
Spikey blonde hair, face of a child, said literally nothing, but his website bio insists that he has what it takes, and will TAKE NO PRISONERS. Time to step up to the plate, bring your "A game" etc...

The Journeymen

Jenny Celerier
Lantern jawed red head, Jenny is a single mum (18-year-old son) who has grafted her way to the top. Sir Alan loves a journey - Michelle Dewberry, worked in Kwiksave, then won series two.

Lee McQueen
Might be a bit too “oi, oi” to win, but he was sired by a milkman, and now he's surrounded by business toffs - Alan will love that. Plus the thought of him being ripped to shreds by the business hounds who destroy the hopefuls around show ten is too brilliant for him to go now. He simply has to stay. At least until then.

Lindi Mngaze
Lindi has battled against severe dyslexia to make it into the business world. Thus far she seems to have the right balance of cheerfulness and enthusiasm to see her through. At 22, she may be a bit young.

Interesting Bets

Claire Young
Horsey Claire has already succeeded in a task, which puts her in a strong early position. Much depends on whether her early show confidence morphs into over-confidence.

Jennifer Maguire
Ballsy Irish girl, she is the right age to win at 27, and with the past three winners reading boy/girl/boy, it could be the turn of the women. Suitably pretty, like Dewberry was.

Work to do

Alex Wotherspoon
After show one, Alex has work to do – he came across as a buck-passing swine. That said, he has the right line in stubble and sales management speak that floats Sir Alan’s boat in the early stages. Unfortunately, he has already faced the boardroom once, and the eventual winner never goes in twice.

Michael Sophocles
Insisted “I AM arrogant” before silently going about his business. Surrounded by louder characters, he might come a little unstuck. Too middle-of-the-road?

Sara Dhada
Another contestant with so little camera time that it’s impossible to judge. That said, Dewberry and Campell (both eventual winners) were very quiet until the latter stages.