BIG BROTHER: Meet the Idiots

Look at them, all shiny and stupid

The inmates: Michael (6.4), Kathreya (8.2), Luke (11), Rachel (12.5), Darnell (12.5), Dale (15), Rex (15.5), Mohamed (16.5), Stephanie (19.5), Rebecca (30), Mario (30), Jennifer (32), Sylvia (42), Lisa (55), Alexandra (60)

Gone are the days when Big Brother was viewed as thrilling social experimentation. Now, we just want to see people having sex in cages. In fact, perhaps next year's Big Brother 10 should be called Sex in Cages. What a show that would be.

Anyway, perhaps having sex in a cage over the summer are this little lot. But who will win? The fifteen unbelievable idiots, or the sympathetic blind man?

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Michael
Thanks to his blindness, Michael is the stand out contender. Pete Bennett (winner, series seven) had Tourette's, and in a similar vein, phoning in to evict a blind man would be tantamount to shooting a fluffy little puppy. He should be safe at least for the early stages, or at least until everyone has forgotten that he's blind, and his bellowing demands from the sofa become unbearable to watch. The favourite.

Kathreya
With her quirky nature, and being so dinky that you could carry her in a handbag, Kathreya will rule the gay vote. Her manic entrance brought back disturbing visions of a buxom young gentleman called Nadia (winner, series five).

Luke
A young Conservative, Luke wears suits because they make him feel strong and sexy, and he may or may not be gay. Like Glynn (series seven), he looks the most likely cult figure.

Darnell
What's more fascinating - that he's an Albino black man? Or that he was thrown out of America for "gang activity"? Either way, another one waving the underdog card, although whooping his way into the house brandishing a massive American football was just odd.

Dale
Dale, what the HELL? His intro video starred a dispicable little toad, berating the very existence of ugly people. How dare they talk to him! That said, should his personality improve dramatically, his looks could carry him to the final (like Anthony, winner, series six).

Rachel
Rachel came second to Imogen Thomas (series seven) in Miss Wales 2003. She is also best friends with Hugh Grant, or something. Should she stop her inane blabbering, she will might prove a very interesting bet.

Rex
This years token hideously hatable rich kid, Rex will either shatter everyone's illusions by turning out okay, or leave to the muffled sounds of being knocked out by a deeply infuriated bouncer.

Mohamed
A cheerful toy demonstrator with a disturbing back story - he fled Somalia to escape civil war - and a massive afro, Mohamed has something on Brian Belo's wide-eyed eagerness about him. Voters will find that a terrific turn on.

Dennis
A hysterical gay dancer from Scotland, Dennis thought it a good idea to prance into the house using a shiny hat as a prop. Being this shriekingly camp hasn't won the show yet - Brian Dowling (winner, series two) was deep, introsopective, and a little bit monotone in comparison.

Mario and Lisa
These two look staggeringly close to having sex at any minute, so how they will possibly cope with pretending never to have met is a mystery. Far too old to win, they have the whiff of swingers about them. Older people tend to become sullen and irritable once the shine of being on Big Brother has finally worn off (Carole, last year; Roberto, series six).

Stephanie
Once tried to get into Girls Aloud, Stephanie is a pretty young should-be-WAG, but will have a job on her hands winning over voting girls. Might prove to good looking for the more catty voters.

Jennifer
Lots of the housemates have been left with a mountain to climb following hideous launch night videos. Saskia in series six spent two minutes deriding the existence of ethnic minorities in Britain, much like this year's single mum Jennifer, who has already alienated liberal pro-life viewers after her totally unnecessary political rantings. Whoops.

Rebecca
Brunette bottom flashing nanny who communicates by screaming, she seems far too vacuous and irritating, and not in a good Sam and Amanda (last year) kind of way. Won't win.

Sylvia
Spent two minutes explaining that no, she is trendy. Hence a "trendy" Christian from Sierra Leone, she is fantastic looking and a flirt – two traits which guarantee safe passage through the first couple of weeks.

Alexandra
Thought it wise to tell the world how special she is, a trick that served Charley Uchea fairly well last year, but Charley wasn't a single mum who had taken to Islam - Middle England's second most feared religion. She has it all to do.